What you can do about social stress

If you find yourself stressing over life events that seem to demand all of your attention and drain all of your energy, don't stress (as ironic as that sounds). More than likely they are things that just about anyone off the street ends up stressing over. School, work, and financial obligations may be only the beginning. You consistently seek effective ways to manage your stress because the last thing you want to do is to let that stress manage you. And even when your methods are working, you might not be aware of it since life seems to throw obstacles at you endlessly.

But what about your relationships with friends, family, or even your significant other? Sometimes the social stress you get from maintaining those relationships accumulates over time and you feel like you've exhausted yourself. Have you ever felt like you were the only one trying to maintain an existing relationship with someone? You probably have. A close friend, boyfriend, teammate, coworker, anyone you've developed some kind of relationship with. If you're anything like me, you probably felt a little depressed after trying to no avail.

Don't beat yourself up, though. It's completely natural for wanting to try so hard. If you feel helpless about where you are in your social life, you may be experiencing a lot of social stress because humans are simply social beings by nature. We crave good relationships, because honestly, what on earth could you possibly do on your own without anybody to rely on or help you? It's natural to want to maintain positive social ties with others, but sometimes it just isn't possible with certain people in your life.

There comes a point when you must decide what you really want out of your relationships with others. It's probably because you're tired of dealing with all that social stress. You have to decide either to continue trying to make things work, or accept what has happened by taking it as a harsh life lesson so that one day you are able to move on.


Here are the steps I take in trying to control my social stress and ultimately in hoping to change the state of my relationships.

1. Reevaluate what you value in life.

• Think about what matters to you.
• Ask yourself how much that person means to you.
• If you continue to try but the end result is not what you hoped for, you may actually be happier and satisfied knowing that you at least tried, because maintaining that relationship was something you valued.

2. Don't force what cannot happen.

• You can go as far as doing everything you can to keep the relationship alive. But if the feelings aren't mutual, if you two aren't on the same page about it and it becomes obvious to you that your friend or lover doesn't plan on trying anymore, don't force it. It would be a waste of your motivation and energy.
• Remember, you can only do so much before you wear yourself out or eventually break.

3. Try your best.

• When you try your best in anything you do, there will be no room for regret regardless of the outcome.
• Have you ever heard of the saying, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take"? It's so true that it almost makes too much sense.
• Don't be afraid to risk getting turned down because what you may end up feeling more down about is that you never stuck around to find out if things could have turned out differently.

4. Accept the outcome for what it is.

• It's important to keep an open mind throughout your efforts.
• If things don't work out don't let it faze you. Just remember that you don't have all the time and energy in the world to please every single person, even those who are meaningful to you.
• Where your efforts go unappreciated, they will be appreciated somewhere else. It's not wrong to accept that you've done all you could when you know you truly have done all you could.

Don't let social stress get the best of you. If you're unsure about certain relationships you have, take some time to look over them and see if the person on the other end of your relationship is on the same page as you about where things stand. Only the two of you are capable of making any difference in the relationship, but since you have no control over what he or she does, you still have the choice to make an impact.

How to be friends.

It's more of a question rather than a statement, I should say. Well the thing about ending meaningful relationships with the person you probably still love and probably were so close and comfortable with is that it's not going to be easy to be friends. Sure it's an option, one most people might opt for, but to actually achieve it is an entirely different story. Wishful thinking tells us that we can break up calmly and mutually, give each other hugs afterwards, then hang out all the time as friends do. I was told that remaining friends allows both people to grow individually without being distressed about all the commitments of being in a relationship.

And what is this nonsense about taking breaks? Why do many people support the idea and why are many more against it? Oh because being on a break is risky and anything that happens during said break may threaten the continuance of the relationship at stake. Duh. But if two people truly love each other and want to be together, a break may be beneficial. It can help by giving each person space to evaluate everything about the relationship and think about why it means so much. It's not a time to meet new love interests or hurt the person you're originally with. But if the break is spent unwisely, the outcome could be tragic and may ultimately hurt your relationship.

Unless I'm wrong. Because what if you both aren't on the same page about taking a break? What if only one of you thinks it's a good idea while the other firmly believes that it will do no good? What does this discrepancy imply...?

Heart Problems, Mind Problems

The heart and mind are two separate entities. A lot of times they overlap and that's when distinguishing the two gets difficult. You can know exactly what you deserve, but maybe your feelings decide to argue against what you know. Your biggest setback to reaching personal goals could be that your heart and mind are in two different places at the same time. They aren't aligned when they need to be. We usually associate feelings with the heart. Because normally they get comfortable and decide to make a home in there. Beliefs and thoughts about what you want and what you deserve only exist in your mind. And oftentimes how you feel about one thing and what you think about that same thing are at war with one another. Feelings are hard to come by and they're just as hard to get rid of. Maybe even harder. So even though you know the facts of a situation and know that there needs to be a change, sometimes it doesn't happen because of the feelings that stand in the way. You're human. Having any sort of emotion is what includes you in the normalcy of the human population. You can become a leech and feed on your feelings even when your mind tells you it is best to stop. But actually stopping?

Choosing to lose

Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date? Though I've contemplated the right response to this endlessly, piecing several possible answers together yet never being able to find the exact one, I finally came to the realization while watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower that I was on the right track to finding the answer. The reason nice, good-hearted people choose to be with those who portray what seems like the stereotypical "wrong" person is that "we accept the love we think we deserve."

I have never been more certain about any kind of answer I've been given than I am with this one. It is true, for if we didn't think we deserved to be given less than what we really deserve, we wouldn't continue to make the choice to be with people who are giving us less than what we deserve. It's simple really.
So for those men out there who wonder why women always wonder where all the nice guys are, you don't have to sweat it. Women who choose to date the wrong kinds of guys will always wonder where all the nice guys are, and they're completely aware that they can be happier. But they're the only ones who can really do anything about changing their situation because if you're thinking of changing their mind about what they believe they deserve, this is truly a case of much "easier said than done". You can go on believing that nice guys finish last if you're one of those nice guys but be thankful that you know what you deserve. Keep in mind that we tend to stick around longer when we are aware that we have invested more of ourselves into the relationship.

To Be Grateful

Don't see the end to a day that can't get worse? Make your day better by doing positive little things you know you can accomplish. Consider what you have in your life and take a moment to appreciate every bit of it. If you notice that others around you seem like they are in a better state than you, whether financially or intellectually, consider what you've been given in the past or the knowledge you've acquired about anything at all. You might actually know more than the stranger next to you even though he might appear to be wiser or happier. Think about the people in your life who mean the world to you, and even if you can only think of one person, be happy that such a person exists in your life and is important to you. Take ten minutes out of your busy, chaotic, socially disoriented life and reflect. Buy yourself a cup of coffee or almond milk tea—it's my absolute favorite—or anything you like and enjoy it, because you know it will make you happy. Temporary happiness, but happiness nonetheless. Appreciate the person you are and the fact that only you can be you. There are so many negative qualities a person can have that you don't have—be thankful for that.

When are feelings ever easy?

Never. They are always uneasy. Negative feelings, that is. If you've ever contemplated the kinds of feelings which are "easy," you'll most likely only conjure up moments when you were having a good time with someone you are happy to be around, naturally.

Uneasy feelings come like recurring nightmares. They consume my social life the way a famished snake ruthlessly swallows a rabbit in its entirety—sigh, life is just laughing at me. I can hear it. There is just something wrong with the idea of a wrongful act. The thought alone may eat at your morals, where post-wrongful-act-committing leaves you obsessing for days over how terrible you felt. You feel your morals slowly deteriorating.. and you wonder where your virtues wandered off to. Of course, the act would be deemed wrong only in terms of your judgment of what is right and what is wrong. Wrong is only a perception—nothing is ever really wrong unless put into context where something else can be considered right, but we'll not delve into that. By societal standards pain and anger are wrong feelings to experience and harbor, because as long as we aren't happy or feeling good, it's wrong. Furthermore, if your actions directly had a less-than-beneficial impact on another person, it's wrong. At times I'd wished I was a robot. Robots feel intrinsically nothing. They can't distinguish right from wrong. They have no emotions. I wish I could feel no emotions. But I am not a robot.

In the long run, people judge right from wrong based on their own premises of what's good and what's not, but then again their own premises are derived from what society has already decided to be socially acceptable or unacceptable. Humanity may be the savior and death of us all.

One tendency of mine is that I over-ruminate, si possible. If you're anything like me, you overlook situations and contemplate the symptoms of your distress but instead of merely contemplating, you go above and beyond that by focusing on the negative and not seeming to let anything go. In order to let go of such overwhelming guilt or regret, you would need to come to terms with the way everything in your life has turned out. Good or bad, you will never be able to move forward properly (again, proper only in terms of how society defines what is proper and what isn't), unless you accept that what's happened has happened.