Tuesday, December 16, 2014
We Need to Break Out of the Cycle
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Things gone wrong.
I go to bed some nights with the slightest hope that I fall asleep and don't wake up in the morning. No, it is not sad, it is a calming thought. To think that I could actually be freed from all the stresses and petty human problems that seem to devour me. To me it sounds amazing. Because the same glass of water feels heavier the longer you hold it up for. Don't call me depressed, because you don't know my story. It's just that some people have better options to choose from.. But me, I've made permanent decisions based on very temporary feelings. That if I could take it back I would do it in a heartbeat. Why do people make bad judgments so easily? And why are the messes that follow so hard to clean up? I'll be left pondering this question that seems to stump us all, don't you worry. Another touchy subject: fate. Damn you.. This always brings me back to the concept of fate and how we steer our own destinies. We determine the course our lives will take, and so, if this is true, if I have such damn good control of my life and happiness, why the [profanity] am I still stuck in this shittiness of a rut? And I let it gnaw at me like I'm some dying animal in the street, dreading the day it might happen where................I can't even bring myself to say it. That is another story of its own.
If I ever stop smiling, it is because I have lost hope. You think I smile each day because I am genuinely happy? If I could get away with surviving in this world without expressing any amount of optimism, you better believe that I would. You think I had it easy growing up? I'll tell you what I did have. I had a family to support me throughout all the years of growing up with financial hardship. I had a place I could barely call home but it was somewhere I could fall asleep without ever worrying about being robbed of or beaten to death the moment I closed my eyes. I had loving relationships which never quite turned out right because of the same misconception in my head that I would just never get hurt. I always had enough dollars to spare to ride the bus, afterall, I was lucky enough to get picked up by my mother once in a while whenever she wasn't working her ass off at all her jobs. I was lucky to be able to have a way home without needing to even walk much. But I'll tell you what I don't have. I don't have flawless skin and perfect eyesight and a body with invisible flab (and a useful college degree), but do I complain? You bet I do. I've learned to compensate for those flaws by trying to be the best me I can be. Looks are transient; personality outshines physical appearances any day, at least that's what I like to tell myself. I'd also like to think I'm comfortable being where I am right now. I've hit rock bottom--what could be worse? Or the real question, what could be better?? I am lounging at the bottom of a long, hallow, cylindrical tube and I can literally look up without seeing the top of it. The tube's other end doesn't exist. I don't particularly enjoy the idea of getting back up, because if I'm already at my lowest point, how, then, could I possibly get hurt any more? Exactly. I can't. I have built myself a throne out of miseries, and I'm going to wallow in it because it's where I feel safe.