For over-thinkers like me who overanalyze all things down to the core. Happy reading!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

We Need to Break Out of the Cycle

You may be relieved to know this, but I'm afraid to say your memory skills are sharper than you think. To those who think they're oftentimes forgetful, believe it or not—and I know you will believe me—you are actually really amazing at remembering sh*t. Which is good. So why am I saddened by what is supposedly a useful human ability to have? Because people seem to fall back on their memory only to remember bad things that have happened. On top of that, they never fail to remember you for the mistakes you've made.

What is it about people that make people wonder about people? One answer could be strange qualities. We're strange in that we forget information that doesn't particularly matter to us, even when we're told a thousand times to remember it. Having a good working memory enables us to learn and more importantly to live safely from one day to the next. It ensures that we are able to take information, whether true or not, and use it to create a basis on which simple (and difficult) decisions can be made. I'm talking about decisions that we don't need to consciously think about making. I'll avoid a giant pothole in the ground after I've seen someone drive their beautiful car over it, and I'll continue to avoid the vicious crater until it is covered up. I would have saved my tires from possibly puncturing and my car from experiencing premature wear in other areas I wouldn't even know about, and I'd have my wonderful memory to thank. (Thank you, memory.) Humans are pretty amazing to be able to do that. We rely on our memory at times where we could potentially get hurt. When we need to remember something that could help us to prevent physical or emotional damage to ourselves, we turn to our memory. We tend to remember negative thoughts and actions because we are simply watching out for ourselves and we don't want to fall into the same traps into which others have previously fallen, where they have gotten hurt as a result. This is a good thing. But keep in mind that only people are capable of bringing people down.

I think you've heard this before, but it stands out to me because it is symbolic of both sadness and truth combined, or tradness. Or sruth. You could be a saint all your life, and by saint I mean a good person whose worst mistake was forgetting their best friend's birthday (which is not good!). But once you've made a faulty decision that damages your reputation (reputation (n.): the common opinion that people have about someone or something), you have now made an infamous name for yourself and suddenly you're despicable in the eyes of everybody in the world. You can try to convince others that you're still the same, good person you always were, but what good will that do when people always remember the mistakes you've made? We shouldn't be out to get others and bring them down while they're probably already at their lowest point. Have some sympathy, because God knows nobody knows how to feel empathy these days. We need to break out of this cycle we have of making judgments about other people while sporting the mentality that you're somehow greater and less-deserving of being judged yourself.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Things gone wrong.

I go to bed some nights with the slightest hope that I fall asleep and don't wake up in the morning. No, it is not sad, it is a calming thought. To think that I could actually be freed from all the stresses and petty human problems that seem to devour me. To me it sounds amazing. Because the same glass of water feels heavier the longer you hold it up for. Don't call me depressed, because you don't know my story. It's just that some people have better options to choose from.. But me, I've made permanent decisions based on very temporary feelings. That if I could take it back I would do it in a heartbeat. Why do people make bad judgments so easily? And why are the messes that follow so hard to clean up? I'll be left pondering this question that seems to stump us all, don't you worry. Another touchy subject: fate. Damn you.. This always brings me back to the concept of fate and how we steer our own destinies. We determine the course our lives will take, and so, if this is true, if I have such damn good control of my life and happiness, why the [profanity] am I still stuck in this shittiness of a rut? And I let it gnaw at me like I'm some dying animal in the street, dreading the day it might happen where................I can't even bring myself to say it. That is another story of its own.

If I ever stop smiling, it is because I have lost hope. You think I smile each day because I am genuinely happy? If I could get away with surviving in this world without expressing any amount of optimism, you better believe that I would. You think I had it easy growing up? I'll tell you what I did have. I had a family to support me throughout all the years of growing up with financial hardship. I had a place I could barely call home but it was somewhere I could fall asleep without ever worrying about being robbed of or beaten to death the moment I closed my eyes. I had loving relationships which never quite turned out right because of the same misconception in my head that I would just never get hurt. I always had enough dollars to spare to ride the bus, afterall, I was lucky enough to get picked up by my mother once in a while whenever she wasn't working her ass off at all her jobs. I was lucky to be able to have a way home without needing to even walk much. But I'll tell you what I don't have. I don't have flawless skin and perfect eyesight and a body with invisible flab (and a useful college degree), but do I complain? You bet I do. I've learned to compensate for those flaws by trying to be the best me I can be. Looks are transient; personality outshines physical appearances any day, at least that's what I like to tell myself. I'd also like to think I'm comfortable being where I am right now. I've hit rock bottom--what could be worse? Or the real question, what could be better?? I am lounging at the bottom of a long, hallow, cylindrical tube and I can literally look up without seeing the top of it. The tube's other end doesn't exist. I don't particularly enjoy the idea of getting back up, because if I'm already at my lowest point, how, then, could I possibly get hurt any more? Exactly. I can't. I have built myself a throne out of miseries, and I'm going to wallow in it because it's where I feel safe.