We Need to Break Out of the Cycle

You may be relieved to know this, but I'm afraid to say your memory skills are sharper than you think. To those who think they're oftentimes forgetful, believe it or not—and I know you will believe me—you are actually really amazing at remembering sh*t. Which is good. So why am I saddened by what is supposedly a useful human ability to have? Because people seem to fall back on their memory only to remember bad things that have happened. On top of that, they never fail to remember you for the mistakes you've made.

What is it about people that make people wonder about people? One answer could be strange qualities. We're strange in that we forget information that doesn't particularly matter to us, even when we're told a thousand times to remember it. Having a good working memory enables us to learn and more importantly to live safely from one day to the next. It ensures that we are able to take information, whether true or not, and use it to create a basis on which simple (and difficult) decisions can be made. I'm talking about decisions that we don't need to consciously think about making. I'll avoid a giant pothole in the ground after I've seen someone drive their beautiful car over it, and I'll continue to avoid the vicious crater until it is covered up. I would have saved my tires from possibly puncturing and my car from experiencing premature wear in other areas I wouldn't even know about, and I'd have my wonderful memory to thank. (Thank you, memory.) Humans are pretty amazing to be able to do that. We rely on our memory at times where we could potentially get hurt. When we need to remember something that could help us to prevent physical or emotional damage to ourselves, we turn to our memory. We tend to remember negative thoughts and actions because we are simply watching out for ourselves and we don't want to fall into the same traps into which others have previously fallen, where they have gotten hurt as a result. This is a good thing. But keep in mind that only people are capable of bringing people down.

I think you've heard this before, but it stands out to me because it is symbolic of both sadness and truth combined, or tradness. Or sruth. You could be a saint all your life, and by saint I mean a good person whose worst mistake was forgetting their best friend's birthday (which is not good!). But once you've made a faulty decision that damages your reputation (reputation (n.): the common opinion that people have about someone or something), you have now made an infamous name for yourself and suddenly you're despicable in the eyes of everybody in the world. You can try to convince others that you're still the same, good person you always were, but what good will that do when people always remember the mistakes you've made? We shouldn't be out to get others and bring them down while they're probably already at their lowest point. Have some sympathy, because God knows nobody knows how to feel empathy these days. We need to break out of this cycle we have of making judgments about other people while sporting the mentality that you're somehow greater and less-deserving of being judged yourself.

Things gone wrong.

I go to bed some nights with the slightest hope that I fall asleep and don't wake up in the morning. No, it is not sad, it is a calming thought. To think that I could actually be freed from all the stresses and petty human problems that seem to devour me. To me it sounds amazing. Because the same glass of water feels heavier the longer you hold it up for. Don't call me depressed, because you don't know my story. It's just that some people have better options to choose from.. But me, I've made permanent decisions based on very temporary feelings. That if I could take it back I would do it in a heartbeat. Why do people make bad judgments so easily? And why are the messes that follow so hard to clean up? I'll be left pondering this question that seems to stump us all, don't you worry. Another touchy subject: fate. Damn you.. This always brings me back to the concept of fate and how we steer our own destinies. We determine the course our lives will take, and so, if this is true, if I have such damn good control of my life and happiness, why the [profanity] am I still stuck in this shittiness of a rut? And I let it gnaw at me like I'm some dying animal in the street, dreading the day it might happen where................I can't even bring myself to say it. That is another story of its own.

If I ever stop smiling, it is because I have lost hope. You think I smile each day because I am genuinely happy? If I could get away with surviving in this world without expressing any amount of optimism, you better believe that I would. You think I had it easy growing up? I'll tell you what I did have. I had a family to support me throughout all the years of growing up with financial hardship. I had a place I could barely call home but it was somewhere I could fall asleep without ever worrying about being robbed of or beaten to death the moment I closed my eyes. I had loving relationships which never quite turned out right because of the same misconception in my head that I would just never get hurt. I always had enough dollars to spare to ride the bus, afterall, I was lucky enough to get picked up by my mother once in a while whenever she wasn't working her ass off at all her jobs. I was lucky to be able to have a way home without needing to even walk much. But I'll tell you what I don't have. I don't have flawless skin and perfect eyesight and a body with invisible flab (and a useful college degree), but do I complain? You bet I do. I've learned to compensate for those flaws by trying to be the best me I can be. Looks are transient; personality outshines physical appearances any day, at least that's what I like to tell myself. I'd also like to think I'm comfortable being where I am right now. I've hit rock bottom--what could be worse? Or the real question, what could be better?? I am lounging at the bottom of a long, hallow, cylindrical tube and I can literally look up without seeing the top of it. The tube's other end doesn't exist. I don't particularly enjoy the idea of getting back up, because if I'm already at my lowest point, how, then, could I possibly get hurt any more? Exactly. I can't. I have built myself a throne out of miseries, and I'm going to wallow in it because it's where I feel safe.

What you can do about social stress

If you find yourself stressing over life events that seem to demand all of your attention and drain all of your energy, don't stress (as ironic as that sounds). More than likely they are things that just about anyone off the street ends up stressing over. School, work, and financial obligations may be only the beginning. You consistently seek effective ways to manage your stress because the last thing you want to do is to let that stress manage you. And even when your methods are working, you might not be aware of it since life seems to throw obstacles at you endlessly.

But what about your relationships with friends, family, or even your significant other? Sometimes the social stress you get from maintaining those relationships accumulates over time and you feel like you've exhausted yourself. Have you ever felt like you were the only one trying to maintain an existing relationship with someone? You probably have. A close friend, boyfriend, teammate, coworker, anyone you've developed some kind of relationship with. If you're anything like me, you probably felt a little depressed after trying to no avail.

Don't beat yourself up, though. It's completely natural for wanting to try so hard. If you feel helpless about where you are in your social life, you may be experiencing a lot of social stress because humans are simply social beings by nature. We crave good relationships, because honestly, what on earth could you possibly do on your own without anybody to rely on or help you? It's natural to want to maintain positive social ties with others, but sometimes it just isn't possible with certain people in your life.

There comes a point when you must decide what you really want out of your relationships with others. It's probably because you're tired of dealing with all that social stress. You have to decide either to continue trying to make things work, or accept what has happened by taking it as a harsh life lesson so that one day you are able to move on.


Here are the steps I take in trying to control my social stress and ultimately in hoping to change the state of my relationships.

1. Reevaluate what you value in life.

• Think about what matters to you.
• Ask yourself how much that person means to you.
• If you continue to try but the end result is not what you hoped for, you may actually be happier and satisfied knowing that you at least tried, because maintaining that relationship was something you valued.

2. Don't force what cannot happen.

• You can go as far as doing everything you can to keep the relationship alive. But if the feelings aren't mutual, if you two aren't on the same page about it and it becomes obvious to you that your friend or lover doesn't plan on trying anymore, don't force it. It would be a waste of your motivation and energy.
• Remember, you can only do so much before you wear yourself out or eventually break.

3. Try your best.

• When you try your best in anything you do, there will be no room for regret regardless of the outcome.
• Have you ever heard of the saying, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take"? It's so true that it almost makes too much sense.
• Don't be afraid to risk getting turned down because what you may end up feeling more down about is that you never stuck around to find out if things could have turned out differently.

4. Accept the outcome for what it is.

• It's important to keep an open mind throughout your efforts.
• If things don't work out don't let it faze you. Just remember that you don't have all the time and energy in the world to please every single person, even those who are meaningful to you.
• Where your efforts go unappreciated, they will be appreciated somewhere else. It's not wrong to accept that you've done all you could when you know you truly have done all you could.

Don't let social stress get the best of you. If you're unsure about certain relationships you have, take some time to look over them and see if the person on the other end of your relationship is on the same page as you about where things stand. Only the two of you are capable of making any difference in the relationship, but since you have no control over what he or she does, you still have the choice to make an impact.

How to be friends.

It's more of a question rather than a statement, I should say. Well the thing about ending meaningful relationships with the person you probably still love and probably were so close and comfortable with is that it's not going to be easy to be friends. Sure it's an option, one most people might opt for, but to actually achieve it is an entirely different story. Wishful thinking tells us that we can break up calmly and mutually, give each other hugs afterwards, then hang out all the time as friends do. I was told that remaining friends allows both people to grow individually without being distressed about all the commitments of being in a relationship.

And what is this nonsense about taking breaks? Why do many people support the idea and why are many more against it? Oh because being on a break is risky and anything that happens during said break may threaten the continuance of the relationship at stake. Duh. But if two people truly love each other and want to be together, a break may be beneficial. It can help by giving each person space to evaluate everything about the relationship and think about why it means so much. It's not a time to meet new love interests or hurt the person you're originally with. But if the break is spent unwisely, the outcome could be tragic and may ultimately hurt your relationship.

Unless I'm wrong. Because what if you both aren't on the same page about taking a break? What if only one of you thinks it's a good idea while the other firmly believes that it will do no good? What does this discrepancy imply...?